Love letter # 26: Love restores

“For so long I couldn’t see

How a heavenly Father could love me

If my own dad raised me with dread and insecurity”

-excerpt from “Daddy’s Girl” by
Minister Lyvonne “Proverbs” Briggs

Guest Blogger, 

Minister Lyvonne "Proverbs" Briggs

Growing up, I always had an abstract understanding of God. Going to our Episcopal church on Sunday mornings was just what we “did.” It was the place where we would go to sing hymns, receive communion, and hear the sermon. I became more involved in activities by serving at the altar as an acolyte and joining the Girl Scouts troop. Later on, my mom, dad, younger brother, and I even posed for a family photo in the church directory. Never mind the fact that my father barely attended Sunday worship services with the rest of us. It was as if our bodies were simply filling in. On the outside, we were picture-frame perfect; but, on the inside, there were unsightly imperfections that no retouching could conceal.

Inside these walls was a growing dread of monthly “checks.” My father would “examine” my body as some sort of perverted progress report. It seemed normal to me, but, as I grew older, I knew that something was off. I can recall numerous encounters that involved inappropriate touching and my growing feelings of fear and shame. For 5 years, I would suffer at the hands of the man who should have protected me most. It was a hard reality for anyone to endure, but, especially, a child.

The abuse stopped when I was 12, but its effects were (and are) constant and ongoing. In high school, I was confident and outgoing and seemed like a typical teenager. I started dating with little cause for concern. Puppy love at its finest. Sweet, innocent, and short-lived. It wasn’t until I got to college and had my first long-term relationship that intimacy issues started to arise. My boyfriend, Robert*, would reach over to touch my leg or caress my arm and I would flinch. My “jumping” at his affection was a clear indication that something wasn’t quite right. Throw into the mix that I rarely, if ever, enjoyed sex when we had it. In fact, I would often drink enough alcohol to be, at the very least, tipsy in order to engage in the act with him. This was definitely not how God intended sex to be between man and woman.

During the course of this relationship, in a drunken stupor, I blurted out to Robert that my father had molested me as a child. He, in turn (and also high on drugs and alcohol), called my home phone and told my mother to, “Tell Lyvonne’s father to keep his hands off her.” I can only imagine the anger, hurt, pain, and despair that overtook my mother in the split second. For her to not know that this happened and to have it disclosed in such a harsh manner…

God was exposing ugly truths. Much like the band-aid that hurts when you just pick and pry, one, quick, agonizing rip was dealt to my mom.

We had a family meeting about this issue and my father denied the allegations. I can honestly say, that at that time, I hated him. I didn’t know how someone could be so cruel and foolish. One would think that this would be the end of our family; but, it wasn’t. It was just God’s way of deconstructing fantasy so that we might all know the truth and be set free (John 8:32).

Seton Hall University Image via WikipediaI dropped out of college after that first year in order to work and pursue modeling. It was fun for a while, but, I grew tired of the random desk jobs. When I decided to go back to school, I ended up at Seton Hall University where I met born-again, on-fire-for-Christ Christians who showed me what it meant to live out the Gospel of Jesus Christ by loving God, self, and others…truly. I attended church with my closest friends and ended up getting saved (Romans 10:9-10) and filled with the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38). It was glorious and raw and beautiful: November 14, 2004, and I’ve been running with Christ ever since.

What was so amazing to me was that in the months leading up to my believing conversion experience, I had been having recurring nightmares and flashbacks of my childhood abuse. Much like a pimple is usually a sign of clogged pores, God was pulling to the surface the dirt and gook that I had suppressed for almost a decade. He was extracting it out of the depths of my heart in order to scrape it off and cleanse me from the residue. Second Corinthians 5:17 says, “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (New Living Translation). Becoming new seems to happen in an instant, but it’s actually a process. God was taking me back to bring me forward and through.

And it has been my walk with Christ that has salvaged so much of my hope and faith. My friend Vincent describes me as “hopelessly optimistic,” yet, it took a lot of hard work and effort to get there. For starters, it came with forgiving my father for molesting me. That was restoration that took place bit-by-bit, but came to a full manifestation when, a few years ago, my father came to me as I was sitting on the couch watching television. He kneeled down in front of me and openly confessed, acknowledged, and apologized for the abuse. It was a moment in time that God had planned since before the beginning of time, but took years to come to pass. We hugged and wept and were re-knit as father and daughter…right there in the same living room where we had had that family meeting years prior. Calling him “Daddy” for the first time after existing with nameless interaction was a precious pearl in my life’s hourglass.

I am a living witness that Love is. God’s love surpasses any and all evil in the world. This does not mean that bad things never happen; it just means God’s grace is sufficient

2 Corinthians 12:9). For those of you who have been abused- sexually, physically, mentally, verbally, healing is not only possible, it is a right! God desires to heal you in your broken places (Isaiah 53:5)! For those who have been the abusers, God can create a new heart in you

(Psalm 51:10, Ezekiel 36:26) allowing you to love and nurture like never before.

For those who may be angry with God…I don’t deny your entitlement to be upset. It was not right for him to do that, or for her to say that. But, for your sake, you MUST push past the pain and the victim phase! God has called you to live a rich and full life (John 10:10) as a victorious conqueror (Romans 8:37). You are called (by name!) to not just survive…but to surthrive. To excel beyond your own expectations in the hopes of operating in the fullness of God’s plans for your life.

Which brings me to my closing point. God knows everything that’s happened to you. And He cares. As a loving Father! “For so long I couldn’t see/How a heavenly Father could love me/If my own dad raised me with dread and insecurity.” But, I know now, that God desires for you to be reconciled through the work of Christ on Calvary’s Cross. Jesus died for every hurt and pain, and overcame sin and death (1 Corinthians 15:54-56). Because He loved you, US, so much (John 3:16)! Your earthly father may not have treated you as the treasure you are, but that- in no way, shape, form, or fashion depreciates your value. You are a priceless jewel in the sight of God, your Creator! When you feel unloved or unworthy, insecure or unsure, remember that God is serenading you with his grace…showering you with His mercy…wooing you with His love:

“The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

God’s love is constant. Transformative. More necessary than air itself. This Father will never leave you nor forsake you (Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5). God loves you and so do I. And, if you need to call God, “Mother” until further notice, do what you need to do. Just call. God is waiting to answer. No busy signal or voicemailbox…ever!

Be blessed…be encouraged…and never forget that God. Is. LOVE.

*Name has been changed for the sake of security.

**All Scriptures are taken from the New King James Version of the Holy Bible unless otherwise noted.

Special thanks to Minister Lyvonne “Proverbs” Briggs for sharing her testimony